Gray Hair Blog / February 8, 2019

How to Handle Rude Comments About Your Gray Hair

My experience going gray has been very positive so far (and I hear that from a lot of other women).  But, let’s face it, at some point during your gray hair transition you are most likely going to run into a person who simply HAS to tell you that you are making a mistake…or that your gray hair makes you look older…or unprofessional.  You need to be ready to handle these type of rude comments about your gray hair.  Forewarned is forearmed.

I’m pretty dang good about setting personal boundaries, and I’m addicted to advice columns, so I think that makes me qualified to give you my two cents on how to respond to a negative comment!

** Please Note:  This post contains affiliate links.  I only link to products that I personally like or that have been recommended to me by my silver sisters.  You can see my full policy here.**

Scenario 1:

A sweet, elderly relative or friend who has completely lost their filter decides to tell you they don’t like your gray hair:

With these types of people, I just smile brightly and say, “Well, I like it!” and then change the subject.

You’re not going to change this person – they’ve reached that stage in life where they just “have to speak their mind.”

But remember: You don’t have to listen!

Scenario 2:

Your parent/sibling/child decides to take it upon themselves to tell you that your gray hair is no good, it makes you look older, and they don’t like it.

If YOU are happy with your grays, you need to set a firm boundary ASAP with these type of “concerned” people:  “Well, I like the way I look!”

If they want to keep discussing it, you shut them down with “The topic of my hair is off-limits. As long as I like it, that’s really all that matters.”   

If you must, get up and leave the room (or get off the phone call, or whatever).  Repeat as necessary until they get the picture.

If you get really angry, you could point out that it’s just hair!

If you were harming your health or losing your moral compass or whatever, then your family would have some standing to butt into to your business a bit.

But it’s your HAIR!! Who the heck cares about somebody else’s hair THAT much that they feel free to butt in?

If my lovely 80+ year old Mother-in-Law started wearing her hair in dreadlocks, I honestly can’t say it would ever occur to me to talk to her about it.

Now, if she started wearing dreadlocks AND smoking a bong every night, then I might get concerned enough about her abrupt change in personality to bring it up!

Scenario 3:

Your boyfriend/husband tells you he doesn’t like it. 

OK, now I’m going to go on a little rant, before I present you with my answer.

Being of the Irish-American persuasion, I have a temper.  And I’m contrary.  I had a boyfriend once tell me he liked it when I wore jeans and suggested I wear them more often.  I STOPPED WEARING THEM FOR YEARS! 

It icked me out that he was so invested in how I looked.  (Now that I think about it, we only dated for a few months but I stopped wearing jeans for about TEN years.  That’s how contrary I am).

Anyway, I still hold to the idea that if YOU like your hair, that’s what matters. 

And if my husband told me he would not allow me to go gray (which apparently happens (!!)), I’d be zipping along to the divorce court faster than you could say Jack Robinson!

But let’s say you have a nice husband… and he sweetly tells you that he misses your colored hair.

Well, you can be nice about it.  Some topics that are off limits with other people are allowed between a couple.  You can have a discussion about it but just remember – it’s your hair, and you get to decide what to do with it.

Look at your husband. Does he look the same as he did 20 years ago? Do you ask him to color his hair or wear a toupée? Probably not!

So, the “Well, I like it!” response is a good one for this scenario.  And you can also point out to your husband how many thousands of dollars you will save by no longer getting your hair colored every 2-4 weeks!

If you dyed at home, point out that you will no longer stain the bathroom tiles and shower curtain every month.

Scenario 4:

A negative comment from a complete stranger (on the sidewalk, at the grocery store, etc.)

Since you don’t know this person, you don’t have to be quite as nice as you do to your relatives and friends, but there’s no need to be completely nasty.

There are a few good advice-column-tested ways to handle this.

The Miss Manners Approach #1: “How Kind of You To Take an Interest in my personal business!”

The Miss Manners Approach #2: Look at the person quizzically and say, “Excuse me, do I know you?”

The Carolyn Hax Approach:  “Wow” – and then turn away and refuse to engage

And, of course, you can always go back to #1 – “Well, I like it!” But a stranger might feel free to keep going, so I think setting the firm boundary right away is the best way to handle it.

All of these comments can be said in a nice way.  No need to be aggressive!

If you feel like being a wee-bit passive-aggressive, however, buy a bunch of copies of this book and hand them out to the worst offenders. Maybe they’ll learn something!

Have you had a rude comment?
How did you handle it? Please answer below!

Please do me a favor and share this post to social media, as it helps me grow my audience and spread the word about our Silver Revolution!  And remember to subscribe to my YouTube Channel and Pinterest Feed for more gray hair tips and product recommendations. Thanks!

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17 Comments

  1. RWnear Austin

    I’ve been fully gray for about 3 years now+ the transition took me about 4 years. I started going gray in my 20’s & dyed since high school. I’m now 51 & have very long naturally curly hair that’s heavily white streaked salt and pepper.
    My now ex husband once told me my gray hair made HIM feel old.
    Too bad, so sad… it’s my hair & I like it.

    While I’ve had a couple of thoughtless comments from others over the years, mostly I’m stopped by admiring women. Young ones at that! They usually want to know if it’s natural. lol
    I’m lucky, I’m single now & can do as I please… silver, purple, blue, pink!

    Mostly people are very accepting. Those that aren’t are free to keep their comments to themselves. 😘

    04 . Feb . 2019 Reply
    • Katie

      Yes! Great attitude 🙂

      04 . Feb . 2019 Reply
  2. Lolly

    I’ve still got dyed hair and I am already receiving criticism from the mere idea of going grey. I’ve mentioned it to a couple of women and one said “I wouldn’t want to look like a witch.” The other one said “Don’t go grey. It makes women look like old hags.” So 8 years after contemplating going natural I am still on the fence but getting rapidly tired of being scared.

    29 . Jan . 2019 Reply
    • Katie

      Wow, Lolly, sorry you had to hear that from these women. Don’t let them scare you! Join Silver Revolution on Facebook – you will find a ton of women there who will give you support and be kind. You don’t need that kind of negativity. What is wrong with people?! Good luck and hope you join us.

      29 . Jan . 2019 Reply
  3. Nichole | Wildly Alive

    Well, we cant please everyone. And there are a lot of people that is rude to those who have gray hair. Having gray hair is not a bad thing. I mean its a privilege. But a lot of people use that to take an advantage. Thanks for your tips on how to handle rude people. Such a great article!

    24 . Jan . 2019 Reply
    • Katie

      Thank you!

      24 . Mar . 2019 Reply
  4. Jenny

    My mother (who was all grey at 40 herself) told me I was lucky my husband “allowed” me to stop dyeing my hair. Erm what century are we living in? My husband is one of the people who actively encourages me to be myself and to stop colouring my hair.

    13 . Sep . 2018 Reply
    • Katie

      Yikes! That idea drives me crazy. My husband is like yours, Jenny. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

      13 . Sep . 2018 Reply
    • Laura

      The same happened to me. My husband said if I like it, then tell
      Other people to mind their Bussiness. He likes it, my son likes it and I love it so nothing else matters. GO GRay

      23 . Mar . 2019 Reply
  5. Laurie

    Ok, my name is Laurie, NOT Laurke. 🤦🏻‍♀️

    28 . Aug . 2018 Reply
    • Katie

      😜

      28 . Aug . 2018 Reply
  6. Laurke

    My cousin comments about it every time I post about it on Facebook. For some reason it cracks me up, it doesn’t bother me. I also have a co-worker who comments on it frequently, she’s at least 10 years my senior and very chic. I always laugh and tell her I think she’s more worried about it than I am. For some reason the comments don’t bother me, I just don’t care. My husband loves it, and my daughters think it’s ‘rad’. I’m a happy girl and I don’t worry about it. ❤️

    28 . Aug . 2018 Reply
    • Katie

      That’s how I feel, too, Laurie ❤️, and I like the way you respond to these comments!

      But it’s shocking to read about the very hurtful comments that some of our silver sisters have received from family, friends and colleagues – I think it’s good to be armed with some ways to handle those kind of aggressively mean reactions.

      28 . Aug . 2018 Reply
  7. SANDRINE PICARD

    A “friend” I hadn’t seen for a while was cheeky enough to take off my panama hat from my head last Sunday. I was wearing a short and a tee shirt and she said I looked like one of those cougar women… Was it the gray that made her feel uncomfortable… I didn’t know what to answer actually until her husband said it suited me soooo well… So sometimes the answer doesn’t come from you 😊

    20 . Aug . 2018 Reply
    • Katie

      She probably wasn’t too happy with her husband’s response! 😜 I’ve noticed men seem to be much more supportive than women re: going gray. It’s a nice surprise!

      21 . Aug . 2018 Reply
  8. JoAnna

    Funny story…my 5 year old granddaughter was not happy with my first two months of new sparkle growth…she would say “I want Nana’s brown hair back…I like brown better”…I would just say…”it doesn’t matter what color my hair is…I’m still the same Nana just with a touch of magic sparkle”…one day around the third month she turned to me and said….”Nana I luv your new hair…I think it’s REALLY pretty…better than the brown…I hope you keep it” … not really sure if the magic sparkle did the trick since she’s a huge fan of sparkles and unicorns…regardless…if a 5 year old gives you a thumbs up you know you got this!

    20 . Aug . 2018 Reply
    • Katie

      Great story, Joanna! I love the idea of magic sparkles! 🙂

      20 . Aug . 2018 Reply

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