The Big Lie About Gray Hair: Why We Believe It and How to Break Free
Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt a pit in your stomach at the sight of a gray hair? I used to feel that exact same pit – and it would send me rushing to the dye bottle.
I was afraid to go gray because I believed something that turned out to be a complete lie. And chances are that same lie has affected you, too.
Today, I’m going to share with you:
- What the big lie is
- Why so many of us believe it
- How this lie hurts us, and
- How to break free from it
Now here’s the kicker – knowing what the lie is isn’t enough. It’s the least important thing I’ll reveal in this article.
What’s important is to recognize that this lie has a pervasive hold on many of us even when we know in our guts that it IS a lie.
So keep reading, because here’s the real game-changer: I’m going to show you how to rewire your brain to truly reject this lie, even on a subconscious level.
The Big Lie About Gray Hair
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You might’ve already guessed what the big lie is, but here you go – The big lie is that only “old” people have gray hair.
It sounds kind of silly when you say it out loud. But that’s the message many of us internalized growing up, even if we found our own first gray hairs in our teens.
Please note that this article may contain affiliate links. You can read my full disclosure at the bottom of the page.
Why We Believe It
So why do we believe that gray hair is only for “old” people?
The truth is, this belief didn’t just happen overnight—it was carefully crafted by advertisers.
Back in the early 20th century, when home hair dye kits first hit the market, advertisers had a problem: They had to fight the stigma against using hair dye and convince women that hair dye products were essential if they wanted to retain their youthful beauty.
So, they pushed a simple yet powerful idea: gray hair equals old, and old equals undesirable. The message was clear—if you wanted to stay relevant and attractive, you had to cover your grays.
And this messaging worked. It really did a number on our collective consciousness.
Growing up, how many of us saw young-ish women sporting gray hair?
Personally, as a Gen Xer, I can only remember one family friend who proudly sported gray hair in her 40s. She was an artist and had great style – but she was an outlier among all of my parents’ friends.
Most other women that I encountered as a child had colored hair. If they did let their hair go gray, it was usually only once they hit an advanced age where it was considered “acceptable” to do so.
And once they let their hair go gray, they often wore it in styles that weren’t exactly trendy. It’s like society decided gray hair and style couldn’t mix.
But here’s the thing—gray hair is just another shade of hair color, just like blonde, black, brunette, or red. It doesn’t have to be frumpy, and it certainly doesn’t have to be tied to your age. And you can wear it in any length or style you like.
Today, more and more women are embracing their natural silvers, showing that you can have gray hair and still look beautiful, vibrant, and stylish.
But even once you’ve decided that you’re ready to go gray (or even AFTER you’ve gone fully gray), that lie – that only old people have gray hair – can still live in your head and do some damage.
How Does This Lie Hurt Us?
- It can make you fear aging, even though aging is a completely natural process and certainly better than the alternative!
Fearing old age saps a lot of enjoyment out of life and can keep you stuck in an endless cycle of trying to recapture your youth, instead of celebrating the stage of life that you’re in right now. - This lie can also make you feel ashamed of your gray hair, which is not a good feeling. Your gray hair is a natural part of you, and why should you feel bad about who you really are? You’re a person with gray hair, and there’s NOTHING wrong with that.
- Another way this lie hurts us is that it can make us feel like we have NO choice but to dye despite the myriad of reasons that we might NOT want to dye anymore – for example, allergies, health risks, risks to the environment, hair damage, or even just not wanting to spend the time and the money to color your hair.
In my own case, once I decided I was ready to stop dyeing, my hair stylist flat-out refused to help me go gray because it would “make me look old.”
Instead of recognizing that for the ageist comment that it was, I continued to dye my hair for a couple more years because the idea that I might look “older” freaked me out.
And it’s not just me – I still get emails and comments every month from women who are scared to let their hair go gray, or who are not enjoying their fully gray hair, because of this exact same fear.
How to Break Free from the Lie
So as promised, I’m going to share with you how to stop letting this big fat lie keep you from enjoying your naturally silver hair.
- Believe the evidence of your own eyes – If you have gray hair, you’re not “too young” to have gray hair. You’re the exact right age for YOU to have gray hair.
Believing the evidence of your own eyes should help you stop associating gray hair with advanced age and help you feel comfortable with accepting your own gray hair. - Retrain your brain – Try to retrain your brain to not see gray hair as a marker of age, but as an actual hair color.
Look at people (or pictures of people) with gray hair – really look at their hair (not their faces, or their clothes – just the hair). Notice how gray hair sparkles in the sunlight, how it has vibrancy and movement… Notice how everyone’s gray hair pattern and shade is unique. Notice how flattering it is to the complexion.
And remember: If we’d grown up with more men and women (of all ages) sporting their naturally silver hair in public, we would’ve seen how beautiful and unique gray hair can be instead of just seeing it as a symbol of age.
Look for inspiration in books, social media, and real life to see the diversity and beauty of gray hair. - Check out the book Going Gray by Anne Kreamer. I don’t want to give too much away, so all I’ll say is that this book should put any fears you have about going gray to rest and will help change the way you perceive gray hair.
You can get it from your local library, local bookstore, and Amazon, among other places. - Challenge your perceptions – If you are afraid of looking “old” with gray hair, think long and hard about what you mean by “looking old.”
I surveyed my readers a while back and found that what they meant by “old” had nothing to do with a specific age and everything to do with a fear of looking “frumpy,” “dowdy” or “unattractive.”
If that’s what you fear, it’s easily solvable – check out this post for ideas on how to look your best with gray hair at ANY age.
VIDEO: I Believed This Lie About Gray Hair for YEARS
Conclusion
Have you been affected by this “big lie” about gray hair? How are you working to overcome it? Or have you overcome it?
Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!
I am 9 months with no hair color, mine is a mixture not all gray and I like it. 😃👍I notice more gals out and about with various stages of the gray grow out, and I don’t see them as looking old. They were probably always there but I never noticed hair that much until I took the plunge.
I cut at mine speeding up the process of the grow out. Can’t wait till it is all my own natural hair. Posted an update video in my YouTube channel the other day. I have some friends that are on the fence with ditching hair color. Watching yours and other gals videos helped me go for it so I hope I can help others too.
I’m so glad I could help, and I think it’s great that you are going to help others, too. It’s so important to support each other. ❤️
Since going silver, I’ve paid more attention to hair color. I’ve noticed that many women who continue to color their hair actually look older than I do. I think that is because their colored hair is all one color vs. the natural variations of color that non-dyed hair has. When I colored my hair, my stylist mixed 3 colors to give my colored hair more variation—but even then, it still looked like colored hair.
When I decided to stop coloring and cut it all off, I was actually told by a lady I know that “I never liked your colored hair.” I was surprised to hear her say that but knowing she’s always very outspoken, I took it in stride. But looking at all the colored hair out there on women who probably have beautiful silver hair hiding under the dye, made me realize my outspoken acquaintance was right on target: colored hair just doesn’t quite look right.
I colored my hair from about age 18 until 66. There was a period in my mid 20’s when I didn’t dye and interestingly, when I began always coloring, I didn’t have my front widow’s peak of silver colored! I started getting gray there in my early teens.
So the lie regarding dye and looking old needs to be changed to the truth to youth is looking natural and not pretending to have the hair color of your youth.
Yes! I agree with everything you said, and your last sentence especially expresses this so beautifully!
This post really hit home for me as I recently dyed my hair again after noticing that I didn’t like my gold jewelry with my hair. I’ve just started to get grays and actually it’s coming in silver and looks like tinsel on a Christmas tree which is why I really hated how it looked with gold jewelry. And instead of considering changing my jewelry (real duh moment 🙄) I chose to dye my hair to completely wipe out the silver so I wouldn’t look “old.” I regretted doing it almost immediately as my hair is no longer soft and shiny. So I really damaged it, all in an attempt to look different than what nature intended.
Oh, I’m so sorry that happened to you. Believe me, I hear from many women who go back and forth between dyeing and not dyeing. I know it’s a pain to go through the transition again, so just do whatever makes you happiest.