How Not To Look “Old” with Gray Hair
Inside: How to wear gray hair without looking “old” or older than your age.
As a gray hair blogger, the number one fear women confide in me is that they’ll look old with gray hair.
But what does “old” really mean? It’s so subjective.
After all, the women asking me this question range in age from their early 20s up through their mid-80s. I’m sure “old” means something different to each of them.
Yet it’s really not a surprising question.
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WHY DO PEOPLE ASSOCIATE GRAY HAIR WITH OLD AGE?
Hair dye has been around for a long time.
But 65+ years ago, when at-home coloring kits became readily available, women started dyeing their hair in droves.
Advertisers pounded it into female consumers that natural gray hair was drab and frumpy, and it got to the point where so many women dyed their hair (up to 75% of the female population in some countries), that only the very elderly let their hair go naturally silver.
And since only the very elderly were wearing gray hair, it makes sense that people might confuse gray hair with a marker of advanced age as opposed to simply another shade of hair color.
Yet we know it’s not true – many of us (myself included) started graying in our teens. Many of us were fully gray in our 20s or 30s.
IS THE TIDE TURNING?
With the advent of the Silver Revolution, it seems that we are moving past the idea that gray hair is solely the province of the elderly.
Women of all ages, including celebrities, are rocking their silver hair freely in a way that hasn’t been seen in decades (if ever).
Many of us who have embraced our gray hair have found that doing so has also helped us move past other fears surrounding aging.
Gray hair became a launching pad to help us STOP trying to recapture our youth, or who we used to be, and enjoy who we are now.
Despite all this progress, I still get asked over and over again: “How do I wear gray hair without looking old?”
A SILVER SISTER SURVEY
I was curious why looking old seemed to be the number one concern among women regarding gray hair, so I surveyed my blog readers and members of the silver hair online communities to find out why.
Out of 294 women surveyed, 67% of them feared looking old when they first thought about going gray:
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WHAT DOES “OLD” MEAN?
Since, as we know, old is a subjective term, I asked them to define what they meant by “old.”
Here are their responses in order of popularity:
- older than one’s age
- frumpy
- dowdy
- unstylish
Others defined looking old as:
- looking “unsexy”
- “not “cool or fun”
- ”not looking like “me” anymore.”
- “looking like you let yourself go”
- looking like someone with “diminished vitality”
- looking “past it” or “past my best”
Aunt Bea and Granny Clampett (two fictional characters) were mentioned in passing as representing the epitome of “old.”
COMMON CONCERNS
One of the most common reasons women worried they’d look older with gray hair was because it might hurt their chances of employment or mean they were “unsuitable for promotion at work.”
Women who were frequently mistaken for younger were especially vulnerable to worrying about this:
- “I’ve always looked somewhat younger than my age, so I worried I would actually look my age.”
- “I’d always looked much younger than my age. I’m an actor and was worried that I’d lose roles and just wind up doing ads for Ancestry and Lipitor.”
Fear of becoming “invisible” was also a concern: “Overlooked, irrelevant, invisible…”
I came to tears reading these responses, even though I wasn’t surprised by the findings.
Our culture(s) value youth and attractiveness so much that there’s a huge stigma to looking your age or older than your age.
READJUSTING YOUR CONCEPT OF AGE
When I was still dyeing, I didn’t think I was the type of person who cared much about what other people thought of my looks. As long as I was happy in my own skin, I was OK.
I considered myself fairly self-confident.
But every time I thought about going grey, I hesitated. I found, to my chagrin, that I DID worry about looking older than my age (or even…my actual age!)
I didn’t like that feeling, but I tamped it down and continued to dye my hair without much self-reflection.
Once I finally made the decision to stop dyeing, I felt so incredibly FREE that it forced me to do a lot of soul-searching.
That’s when I realized that the fear of looking old had really been weighing me down. Tossing off the weight of society’s expectations about what I can or should do took years off me!
And I’m not the only one.
As noted above, the majority of my social media followers and blog readers agree that they had this type of epiphany once they went gray.
It held true in the survey, too:
Survey Comments:
“I defined “old” as being someone who gave up on themselves such as letting the white hairs show. Going back to my natural hair color which is now salt and pepper is the best decision I ever made for myself. I didn’t let myself go. Everyone sees the real me now.”
Anonymous Survey Response
“Looking old” is subjective. I rock my natural hair now and don’t worry about what others think. If they think I look old, then so be it, I don’t care, I can’t control their opinion. I’m happy with myself!”
Anonymous Survey Response
I feared… “that I would not be perceived as professional at work. But it’s been fine & I have noticed more women embrace their natural color. A great attitude and continuing to do a great job is what they notice more!!”
Anonymous Survey Response
It’s interesting, isn’t it, that making the decision to let one’s hair go gray is often the main catalyst that helps us stop fearing looking “old?”
Once we get over that fear, we can stop trying to recapture our 20-year old self, and start enjoying our “new” self. It’s such a relief!
NOT QUITE THERE YET?
But maybe you’re not there yet. And that’s OK.
I could tell you all the rah-rah stuff about embracing your age, and enjoying the “you” that you are now. And I would tell you this with the utmost sincerity, because I believe it.
But what if I told you all this, and you still felt worried about looking older as you gray?
I want you to have FUN as a silver sister, and you won’t have a good time if you feel “blah” about your appearance.
So, as promised, here are some tips to help you look and feel fantastic in your gray hair no matter your age.
HOW TO WEAR GRAY HAIR WITHOUT LOOKING “OLD”
#1 Wear your Silver Hair with Confidence
Flaunt your gray hair. Own it. Remember that women pay hundreds of dollars at the salon for the hair color that you get naturally.
And if you don’t feel that confident yet in your appearance with gray hair, you can fake it till you make it.
Look in the mirror in the morning and say, “I ROCK these silvers!” and eventually you’ll believe it!
Whatever you do, do NOT ask your friends for advice on whether or not you should go gray. Or apologize for going gray.
When you do these things, you’re opening the door for negative feedback. And that can destroy your confidence.
Remember: Mother Nature truly is the best hair colorist out there.
Look at all the gray-haired women around you – notice the beautiful patterns in their hair and note how different it is from the flat effect one gets from boxed hair dyes. It’s glorious!
Need a little inspiration?
Read Before & After Gray Hair to see a ton of photos of women of women before and after they went gray. I think you’ll agree that gray hair does not automatically make them look “old.”
Subscribe to Tangled Silver Magazine – it’s a fantastic magazine devoted to silver hair, and the print edition is velvety soft and coffee-table worthy. Seeing pictures of your fellow silver sisters (of all ages) flaunting gray hair will inspire you and increase your confidence tenfold!
#2 Get a Great Haircut
Remember: Gray hair is just another shade of hair color, so you don’t have to adhere to a specific style or length once you go gray (or once you are over a certain age).
When women tell me they are afraid of looking older with gray hair, they often reference the haircuts and hairstyles of their female relatives from earlier generations.
But many of those relatives grew up in a time when women of a certain age were expected to cut their hair short. And the short hairstyles they chose were not the fashionable ones we love today, but ones that are considered dowdy by modern standards.
Today, the sky’s the limit!
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to go short if you don’t want to. Long silver hair is also glorious to behold!
And short hair can be super-stylish:
The main thing you need to do is find a supportive stylist. You’ll never rock your gray hair if the person cutting your hair is constantly pushing you to color, or making you feel bad about your decision to go gray.
Once you find a supportive stylist, get regular trims to keep your hair split-end free, and enjoy your gorgeous silver hair!
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#3 Keep Your Hair Healthy
If your gray hair is healthy, it will enhance your youthful appearance.
To keep your gray hair healthy, try to avoid over-using heat tools and styling products, as these can lead to unwanted yellow tones in your gray hair.
If you do use heat tools, put them on the lowest setting and use a good thermal protectant.
If your gray hair yellows, you can try purple shampoo or a purple mask. But it’s a good idea to limit your use of purple products to once a week as they can be very drying.
Following up with a deep conditioner can help.
Check out my current gray hair routine for tips on how to take care of your gray hair, and take a peek at this incredibly helpful list of products to avoid.
#4 Try Fun & Modern Braids & Buns
The days of gray-haired ladies being consigned to wearing dowdy hairstyles are over. There are a TON of cool hairdos out there!
Check out @silvergirlmx on Instagram. She is a master of braids & buns and other fun styles, and she provides plenty of tutorials to help you master them as well:
If your hair is short or medium-length, you still have plenty of options. Try some of these cute hairstyles to jazz up your look:
#5 Wear Complementary Clothing Colors
If you’re happy with your current clothing colors, there’s no need to make a change.
But if you feel like your wardrobe could use a little OOMPH, consider trying colors that complement silver hair and make it pop!
Some of the most popular colors to wear with silver hair are: red, gray, black, white, and deep jewel tones like sapphire blue or emerald green.
However, the number one factor determining which colors will look best with your gray hair is your skin’s undertone.
Check out the post below for more info on how to determine your undertones and the best colors for you:
Related Post: What Colors Look Best with Gray Hair
#6 Wear Fashionable Clothing
Having gray hair and/or being over a certain age doesn’t mean you can’t dress stylishly.
Some of the most stylish women I know are in their 60s, 70s, and 80s – they put me (in my yoga pants/hoodies) completely to shame!
Have some fun with your clothes – and forget about all those “What Not to Wear If You’re Over 40”-type articles. Whatever makes you feel fantastic, fits your body, and reveals your personality is fashionable (IMHO).
I’m not a fan of “fast fashion” as it’s terrible for the environment, so here are some stores that are fantastic for women over of all ages:
Are these stores a little pricey? Yes, but the clothes at these stores are well-made, will last for years, and often offer vivid colors that will really show off your silver hair!
And you can always shop the sales (that’s what I do).
A great alternative is Thred Up for high quality used clothing at affordable prices. It’s an online consignment shop with a great selection of clothes in a wide range of colors.
Related Post: What to Wear with Gray Hair: Tips from a Personal Stylist
#7 Jazz Up Your Makeup Routine
A lot of us (especially the very pale ones) assume that we will have to wear a LOT of makeup once we go gray or we’ll fade into the woodwork.
But for many of us the opposite is true because silver hair gives a nice glow to the skin that is super-flattering.
More makeup or less makeup is something that you’ll have to decide for yourself – it just requires a little experimentation.
And as long as you’re experimenting, how about trying out red lipstick? It’s a shade that intimidates a lot of women, but boy, does red lipstick look fantastic with gray hair!
For tips, check out this guest post by Asa Suriano: The Best Makeup Colors & Application Tips for Gray Hair.
#8 Take Care Of Your Eyebrows
Whether it’s due to overplucking or just the natural aging process, a lot of us find ourselves with sparse eyebrows as we get older.
Thicker, fuller brows can create a more youthful look and provide a beautiful frame for your face. They also create a more relaxed appearance, where thinner eyebrows can give you a more severe look.
Once you determine what color eyebrow works best with your gray hair, try filling in your eyebrows with pencils or powders in the right shade for you.
My favorites are made by Eye Embrace, one of the only eyebrow brands that makes eyebrow pencils in gray shades (in both cool AND warm tones). I love them, and they’re super affordable!
# 9 Have Fun with Bold Accessories
Bold accessories can enhance your outfit and set off your silver hair to a fantastic degree!
Consider adding some of these accessories in bold colors:
#10 Take Care of Your Skin
Healthy skin is one of the top ways to retain your youthful appearance while wearing grey hair (or any color hair, for that matter).
To keep your skin healthy:
- Drink a LOT of water
- Protect your skin from the sun
- Eat a healthy diet
- Manage stress
- Moisturize
- Get plenty of sleep
- Use a gentle facial cleanser
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
VIDEO: How to Wear Gray Hair Without Looking Old
FINAL THOUGHTS
I hope this post has helped you see that many of us have these fears about going gray, but it’s possible to overcome them, not only emotionally (making the leap past being concerned about looking old) but also physically (by taking care of our appearance).
Now, one final thing:
This is an emotional tip, not a practical one.
Accept the fact that despite all your best efforts, there are still going to be clods out there who will assume you are your children’s grandmother or your best friend’s mother (or worse, your husband’s mother).
Remember: These people aren’t looking at your face or your body when they say these things.
They saw your gray hair and made assumptions. (It’s going to take a while to get our culture over the notion that gray hair = old).
When this happens you pretty much have two choices:
- Take a deep breath, remember it has nothing to do with you, and forget about it. If possible, laugh it off.
- If that doesn’t work, whack them with your umbrella.
I lean towards #2, but that’s just me 😉
Further Reading:
The Big Lie About Gray Hair: Why We Believe It and How to Break Free is chock-full of information about why we believed (for so long) that gray hair was only for “old” people, and also gives you some practical tips to get this lie out of your headspace so you can fully enjoy your hair (and your age).
If you want to read some interesting research about gray hair, check out Anne Kreamer’s book. She did a number of studies on the way people perceive gray hair and the results are pretty fascinating.
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This post is a long, detailed read. If you prefer, you can purchase the PDF version for only $5. It contains the full article (including pictures) and you can print it out and refer to it any time you like. (Click on the book below to purchase)
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Hey Katie,
Thank you again for all that you do! Keep up the great work!
I am a GenX woman and I praise God for my roar! Today is a new day and I give God praise for that as well! I don’t have time for shallow, petty, or unforgiving people. I don’t have time for anyone that does not know how to communicate to resolve issues. I do not have time for anyone that resorts to passive aggressive jabs because they were raised not knowing how to communicate. If you don’t have the mindset to see that I am an individual and to see who I am or if you do not have the mindset to resolve issues through direct, kind and gentle communication or if you don’t like how the lines and wrinkles move and sway on my face as I talk or move or go about my daily routines, well, these are your own downfalls and insecurities and ageist thoughts and to that I say, “good luck with the rest of your life!” This is a new day and I will not be oppressed by the misguided, false teachings of the younger and older women alike that were raised to be shallow princesses by mothers that are or were fearful of ageing and fearful of dying and fearful of what others think. I was once one of those shallow princesses, and I give God praise for helping me overcome that mindset. I am a GenX woman and I praise God for my roar!
For me, the hardest part of transitioning is that for all my life my natural hair color was very dark brown. Also, I look much younger than my years. As far as I was concerned, having gray hair was about the same as having blonde hair because both are light shades. In your experience, is this a common issue among other natural brunettes who are now transitioning to gray or is it me? If you can, please advise me. Thank you.
Hi, Deborah – Yes, many brunettes find it jarring to suddenly have light-colored hair. That’s why some of us (like me) choose to go gray over a period of time, because it would be traumatic to have light hair all of a sudden. Re: blonde hair, it depends on your skin tone. For someone with cool-toned skin, it can look “off” to have warm blonde hair. But if you have a neutral or warm complexion, blonde hair can look great!
Dear Katie,
I am having a hard time because I am very light skinned with a neutral to cool undertone which you mentioned above could be jarring, especially since my white hair sits against the blonde I am left with. Do you have any recommendations to remedy this jarring situation? Thank you so much!
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, Erin. My best advice would be to make sure you’re wearing colors (makeup and clothing) that can give you a boost. If you haven’t yet, check out this article – it gives tips on how to find the right colors to complement your hair and skintone.
Love this! Gray hair is on trend. It depends on us how we looks stunning by this hair color!
Just wanted to pop in and validate all that you have said here. I have mostly silver hair that is mid-back length with long layers. It is the healthiest hair of my life and I literally NEVER go anywhere without getting compliments on it! One thing I would encourage my long hair silver sisters to check out is overnight heatless curls. I wash and blow out twice a week, but sleep with it in a loose bun tucked into a satin cap, and I wake up each morning with beautiful waves and volume.
Thank you for sharing this article. I am 53 and stopped dying my hair 2 years ago and am completely grey. I mostly got tired of the upkeep and expensive of going to the salon every six weeks and since I started to go grey early, wondered about the effect of putting chemicals on me for 25 years. I’m so happy I took the plunge! I not only love my natural color, but love being my authentic self. Not to mention that I’ve had complete strangers compliment me and sometimes even ask me “who does your hair?” I admit I was afraid of looking old at first, but that hasn’t been the case. So nice to be comfortable just being the real me. I encourage others who are on the fence to give it a try!
I’m so glad you enjoyed the article, Shana! I feel the same as you do – it’s been a wonderful experience!
This article is great! I never dyed my hair when the gray started coming in. Not that I didn’t want to but I know myself too well. I would be that woman who ALWAYS had gray roots. And for me that is the most aging of all. I was blessed with good genes. I have really good skin, hair and nails. Not due to any great care on my part, believe me. I am busy with lots of things and a “skin and hair routine” has no place.
I was one of those women who thought (and still do, a little) that gray hair ages you. I have even encouraged younger women to color their hair when the gray starts coming in. Now I will refer them to this post.
Thank you for the time you spent writing this post.
You’re welcome! I’m so glad you enjoyed it.
I’ve had dark brunette hair all my life (dyed for the last 25+ years)
I’m 72 and went to my 50 year college reunion last summer and I was the ONLY one there that didn’t have some or all gray hair!
My 3 grown daughters had been telling me for years that it was time to let it go. Well I realized it was pretty ridiculous to keep holding on so I went and had it professionally lightened because I didn’t want to go the two year skunk route with a white band of roots slowing spreading into the dark dyed hair. I got lots of compliments but more importantly I became thrilled as I saw my WHITE roots coming in. I am so so excited to never use chemical dyes ever again.
I loved all the above advice. Thank you. I had friends etc who told me “don’t do it, it would age me”. Well, I saw one at a luncheon last week and she gasped and said I look like a movie star! ha … but still. !
You are so right about paying attention to makeup and clothes. The color palette should adjust and then it’s such an upper to feel really put together and be a different, and dare I say, glamorous new you! It’s just the next phase in our life’s progression. It’s fun to have change, it’s fun to embrace surprise. Having true Confidence and being at Peace with yourself in every phase is so appealing to others. But its so much easier for it to be genuine when you are mature. Such a great example too.
I love seeing Helen Mirren, who was okay when she was a younger actress, but now is a stellar glamourpuss, radiating confidence, allure, humor, and also great love of life. She exemplifies to me what really adds so much to a woman’s appeal: not just her silver good looks, but her sparkle! This along with her undeniable essence of wisdom, (which cannot be faked, only earned)
I know this is too long, sorry, but I am truly excited about my white hair years and being a glamorous, joyful woman of a certain age. Love to all you silver sisters.
XOX Sue
Wonderful, Sue! I agree with you 100%! It’s FUN and (dare I say it?) exciting to go gray. Who knew?
It’s offensive that to be considered old is a pejorative thing. Why, is being old – or worse, being seen as old – one of the worst deductions that might be made about someone’s appearance? That’s the real question. Why are we so derogatory about age. Youth is actually gone pretty soon in our lives; are we really worth nothing without it?
Grey hair, just like any other colour may be more or less beautiful, depending on the person, but again why must we all go along with the apparently firmly rooted idea that our identity must depend upon how we look?
Grey hair, is not actually the issue here, ageism is; as well as the notion that a person is only worthwhile as a fertile and young woman, and a beautiful one at that.
Sara, I could not agree with you more! But I had to address this issue as it’s one of the number one concerns I hear from my readers who fear going gray. Until society changes and bosses, potential partners etc., stop judging us based on our perceived age, I can understand why many so women fear looking older. I do feel hopeful that society is changing its perceptions, but at a snail’s pace I’m afraid.
I stumbled upon this blog as I think I finally decided to go gray at 65. My psychological concerns are the texture of my gray when I am gray? I have a good wave in my hair and I use a curl product to keep them happy. Does anyone know if this will change? I know coloring keeps some body? I’m a 3x cancer survivor I figure if I can lose my hair I can definitely go gray, any comments? Also, what do you do to maintain your gray? I’m not going gray to by pass my monthly appointment I’m just a little bored and I see my friends with full colored heads and that doesn’t look right either. I grew out two gray streaks in the front and it’s beautiful and I always get
Compliments.
I’ve had gray hair since it came in. Given, I didn’t start turning gray until I was 58. I’m in my 60s now. I was going to have blonde highlights put in since I was a blondie. Except when I walked into the salon all the stylists came over to tell me how much they like the color. Mine told me to keep it natural, that people pay a lot to achieve that color. After I had 20 & 30 somethings on the street tell me they liked my hair color, I thought I’d let be. Guess I’m graying well.
As for thinking I look old. I’ve always looked a bit younger than I am & everyone still thinks I am. Not sure why women who dye their hair think they look younger. I was at a dinner party where most of the women dyed their hair. The darker hair not only emphasized all their lines & wrinkles. It seemed to make them look older than they are. Also, hair one solid color with no highlights looks unnatural. The hair looked like straw, as if it was over processed. At least mine has shine & looks healthy cause I do take care of it.
I like seeing the celebrities that have gone gray. I haven’t seen one that doesn’t look good.
I’m going gray at 53 but I’m scared because maybe looking older but I really love younger I really take care of my skin so I’m ready to go all the way gray and platinum blonde what should I do?
Just go for it! You might be surprised. Many of us find out that going gray makes our complexion glow, which makes us look younger than we did with dyed hair.
I have been grey for several years and I have no desire to look back. It is so liberating not having to color every three weeks. I get compliments from other women all the time asking me if it’s my natural hair color.
what do I do for wirey eye brows
Hi, Regina: See this post for tips!
Katie
Love love loved this article. I am 81 years old or young, and I gradually Grew gray. The more gray I became the happier I was. Started grading in my 50s when I was modeling. I got a short pixie cut and had a lot of work because of my hair. Now at 81 I’m wearing an undercut pixie and I love it. There is not a hairdresser that I’ve gone to that would even allow me to color my hair. All your information is so correct and I’ve been doing it For number of years now make up spot on, colors for clothing spot on. I’m having more fun dressing now. Thank you for such accurate information.
Im not sure how old this post is, but i found you because i am depressed and possibly regretting my two year grow out. I had to laugh though that you actually mentioned someone mistaking us for our husbands mother!! this just happened to me on the weekend and i cried like a baby. I can see the bright side now and am so glad i found this page 🙂
Hi, Fiona! I’m so glad it helped! If you can have a sense of humor about going gray, it makes it so much easier. Come back here whenever you need support! Hope you are feeling better.
I started to not color my hair when I retired and no longer had to compete with younger employees. I started finding gray hairs at 15 yrs old. Started coloring it at the request of my girls when I was in my 40’s. First the box then a stylist. Retired at 61. I’m so glad I went gray! I look like my mom and I loved her hair. Of course I didn’t know how gray I was till I stopped dying it. Wow! It was gorgeous! Have had many compliments on my hair. Don’t feel old, feel blessed!!
I am four months into my grey hair transition, and recently got a pixie cut. In around a couple of months time I’ll be all grey. I can’t wait and am so excited. Who would have thought that I would be cursing the dyed hair I have and wanting to see more of the grey, when it’s usually the other way around 😂.
The tips here were extremely helpful to me. Thanks so much.
You’re so welcome! Glad you are happy with your gray hair. And I agree – I thought I would miss my dyed hair, but I was excited to see the gray come in!
Dear Maz,
I know exactly how you feel! It’s hard to believe how the tables have turned.
I know my hair looks healthier and compliments my skin tone. However, it has been a big change for me. My hairdresser even said “why would you want to color such beautiful hair” to make me feel comfortable. I seriously doubt I will ever color my hair again. I feel authentic with my gray hair.
Thanks for the great article. I have ditched the dye January 2021. Silver Revolution has been a wonderful support. I have had temptation to use color because of the demarcation & multi color scheme I abhorred but I have held the course. Thank you for your inspiration.
I am one who consistently colored due to fears of ageism and trying to maintain a foothold in the corporate world. After I was laid-off from my last corporate job and finally landed at a reputable nonprofit instead, I decided it was time to “transition to my natural color.” I use that phrase deliberately because (a.) I am trying to de-emphasize the “gray” part of the process, and (b.) I actually have a LOT more dark hair than I realized! I’m 11 months in, with the “calico” look of transitional hair, and I find myself more OK with this than I ever thought I would be. Hang in there, Silver Sisters!
thanks for a great article! i would add a 3rd choice to the ‘clods’…”challenge their thinking about gray hair, why should that represent ‘old’ to them?” and actually looking at children’s books, all grandparents have white hair while parents have different colors, so we really need new illustrators!!
Great suggestion, thank you!
You are spot on! I had several friends who said that I shouldn’t do it, but came back with you look great, but it’s not for me! Also, I did get more confidence once I embraced it and owned it.
Thanks, Amy! Confidence is definitely the key!
Thank you for this article. As someone just starting to transition, this gives me so much hope!
You’re welcome! I’m so glad you enjoyed it!